Get Ready for Marriage

Asalaamulaikum! I know I have alienated blogger and blogging! Ah well what to do, life is so busy and so fast!
Half te time I cant even log in because I forget my password/ username looll

Anyways I managed to get in now because I wanted to share a link, very important for the sisters, I just signed up and I am sure it's going to be a worthwhile experience!
One thing I aim to get out of it is to find myself! My stable self! I thought I was stable and had my footing secure but things happened and turns out I wasn't as secure as I thought, or maybe I'm just maturing and my thinking and views are developing, never the less I need to get this spouse search going while improving myself too.

Check out the following link and share it inshaAllah

Practimate">Practimate

Completeness

Guys are my weakness!
I say it so bluntly because there is no point denying or trying to distance the fact, I know it, Allah knows it so who cares if someone else knows it eh lol... I know my weaknesses and I like other people to tell me if I have any bad characteristics and to criticise me (gently lol) we can't imrpove if we don't know what to imrpove on.
Anyways...bit more to the point of this post-

I use to feel like I'm incomplete; like my deen, my behavior and my personality are lacking something. I felt like..maybe if I have someone (as in, a husband) I'd be complete. That I'd be a whole lot better and that this weakness would then be my strength.
I use to be close to one guy then another guy (not relationship, just friendship but with slight feelings) and I felt like I had that support and 'love' but when there was no guy I felt quite empty and like I just needed a partner. But I'm glad I left guys because that emptyness that was there, it wasnt there to be filled with a guy's love it was there to be filled with love for Allah.

SubhanAllah, as soon as I stood on my own two feet, I really connected with Allah, I turned to Him for everything and talked to Him all the time and tried my best to do everything to make Him happy and my life and my self felt soooo complete I can't even explain. My Deeny-ness increased, my behaviour and personality got moulded into that of a proper Muslimah. My weakness with guys turned into my strength with my Lord. It filled the gaping hole of incompleteness in my heart to a state of overwhelming wholeness.

And it is in this state of completeness that one should go into marriage. That way you are always full of love, and your not leaning on the partner so much that they will snap, and even if things go a bit pear-shaped from time to time, your heart will still feel complete because you will always have Allah with you.
Once we have gained this completeness, marriage will be much easier inshaAllah.

On a different note, as soon as your around 21/22 (for girls) it's like your the bait on the fishing line, parents finding rishta's (potential partners), other parents looking for partners for their sons, all fishing around while hardly any ask us what WE want. Maybe I'm generalising too much but it's what I feel.
I personally think we shouldn't have to wait til a certain age, the Prophet (peace be upon him) encouraged us to marry young. If more people did this, instead of getting influenced by modernism, there would be less illegal sexual relations, less zina, less kids going behind their parents backs and sinning infront of Allah because the need for companionship and intimacy would be fulfilled when it arised.

I feel like parents don't even talk to their kids about marriage as much as they should, in the way that they should. The most my mum has said to me is (to keep it simple) 'your cousin is a nice boy, you should marry him, he will be good in the family'... Obviously no girl from the west is going to want to marry their freshie cousin. I know parents are more wise and stuff but a lot of us teens aren't exactly dumb. We know what to look for in our potential spouse. And those who are more into their religion will sometimes know more than the parents.
For example is it wrong for me to not have a Mendhi? Is it wrong for me to not want to change my name after marriage? Is it wrong for me to want a small marriage in a masjid? I know our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) has told us smaller marriages gain more blessing, and none of his wives had a mendhi did they. All I want is to follow the Qur'an and Sunnah as much as I can, especially when starting a new chapter in my life. But my family seems to think they know better. Especially mum and older sis! They look at me like I'm speaking a loud of nonsense :S

I know I'm going on a bit but it's an interesting topic lol.
When me my sis and mates are talking about marriage, I tell them- marriage should not be our goal, it is just a means of getting closer to Allah. And I tell them I can't wait to get married, not just because I'll have someone there but because I can focus on everything properly, especially religion. All I have to do is keep the guy happy :) lol (easier said than done ofcourse)
But ye, I want to do alot in life and the only way I can is if my husband is someone like-minded so he can help me fufill my dreams as well as succeeding at his own.. inshaAllah... And what is most important is the joining of two complete hearts, supporting each other on the right path.

10 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person

There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place? Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences. If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:

1) Do Not Marry Potential: Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.

2) Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:

* Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.
* Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
* Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.
* Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.

3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner: Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.

4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.

* You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
* The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
* Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.

5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:

* Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.
* Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.
* Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.

6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions that you must answer YES to:

* Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
* Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
* Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
* Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?

If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married!

7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things:

* Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.

* Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.

8) Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner: Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!

9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.

10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner: Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:

* Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.
* Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!

Additional Points to Consider:

1. The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
2. Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”
3. Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
4. Be flexible. Be open-minded!
5. Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.
6. Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.

The above article was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.